what do you say we stop being coworkers and start being co-people.
–Ron Burgandy
one of the luxuries of my job is that I seldom have to actually give two shits about what people think. which affords me the autonomy of triggering nuclear meltdowns, telling people I dislike that their work sucks, telling people that I do like that their work sucks, or high fiving: the custodial engineer.
design + technology is seldom glamorous, exciting, or dramatic, but it can be. some of these artsy fartsy types are bit over emo. they would make excellent spies based on their observational skills. they notice every stupid, asinine granular detail. I think mostly American’s like to feel ‘detail oriented’ to assure themselves that they’re smarter than they actually are (aren’t). they even ask me odd queries at random intervals. which makes me wonder do these people have actual lives outside of Netflix + fast food nation fare? I try to remain positive these days, as much as that hurts me emotionally (huhuhhuhuhhu). I left this months issue of Cigar Snob in the break room, and my strangely single + semi-hot la femme boss brought it to my office, dropping it on the table and shaking her head. she gives me that feral look like I was an Asian buffet: fat-free, guilt free, no MSG. she grabbed my ass at the Christmas party and bought me men’s underwear as a gift. I know I’m politically incorrect, this cray cray cougar takes the cake. she fills me a glass full of brown stuff and tells me ‘drink up, stop being a pussy! it’s 1:00already’ lolz. its funny that certain types of women are attracted to this. in Chicago, I had some unusually hot white women all into my shit for some odd reason. I just wasn’t into them much (dated mostly Latina/Asian hunnies). think its because of Netflix, these people binge stupid Kdrama’s like its synthetic crack cocaine without the side effects. I’ve even dated a few of them b/c well they were hot regardless of race and I tend to fall for chicks who show me some class + quality what can I say. better to be with someone who is naturally into you beyond a mere superficiality. whereas you’re constantly pondering whether you should even be dating and keeping the lines open for potential hopefuls (upgrades). which soon begins to feel like an episode of 24 real quickly, and you find yourself paranoid about betrayals, backstabs, double crosses. which I already do considering just how people are in the damned windy city called Shitcago.
I draw much, and draw some more, and make stories and connect pieces, using other people’s art and discarding other people’s art. make corrections, work on collaborations, send out impressive sounding emails, work with other artists, designers, or writers. I write also, work on the iMac, and let my iTunes 5 star rated playlists play all day. or whatever interesting podcast I’m hooked on.
I notice the more I ignore people, the harder they try to connect. I’m not ignoring them to get them to pay attention to me. I’m a secret agent, I really just want them to ignore me. for their safety as well as mine. my anonymity + privacy they comfort and strengthen me. the quieter I become, the more crazy it drives some. I might be known as a lovable, charming, handsome, cute, sexy, mysterious (hello ladies lolz) charming guy but I’m serious + competitive at work. even if I hate this stint. I truly get burn out having to change the diapers of these interns who are college grads making peanuts. I don’t have time or wherewithal to train them. these guys waste themselves on anti-social media, I mean they should be teaching me some shit. one girl, Brittany (20 something) I call Instagram girl always asking me how I know so much shit. like its a big friggin mystery. one day I finally told her ‘easy, I read, I study, I listen, I learn, I do, I fail, I succeed like any sane, well adjusted, attractive bad ass that I am!’. I have a storehouse of 80’s attitude, mixed with being a native Chicagoan. which doesn’t really mean much to anyone but yours truly.
recently I’ve been consulting chatGPT and Grok concerning potential suspects of who could be a deep cover mole within my place of employment. there is a enemy spy faction with whom I am sworn enemies with. their usual tactic is to groom a rather beautiful, lovely Korean girl to get to me. one who looks like a Nana clone. Who is Nana? The Jessica Alba of Korean chicks, huhuhhuhu.
“Why aren’t you on any social media platforms?” somebody asks me.
“because I sure as shit wouldn’t want you knowing my personal life or details, duhhhhh” I respond.
handicapped people making handicapped faces. handicapped in the fact they didn’t grow up with an actual childhood.
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