- Facebook
A retirement home with propaganda wallpaper. It’s where nuance goes to die.
Feeds you what you fear, then makes you argue with your aunt about it.
Every interaction feels like digging through a landfill hoping to find a friend.
Side effects may include: conspiracy exposure, emotional exhaustion, misplaced nostalgia. - Instagram
A glossy brochure for fake lives. Everyone’s rich, hot, and spiritually bankrupt.
A shrine to self, sponsored by self-doubt — and deeply rooted in algorithmic narcissism.
It’s not social — it’s performance art with product placement.
Side effects may include: body dysmorphia, FOMO, inflated self-worth with a hollow core. - SoundCloud
Actually, I love this one. Carry on.
Side effects may include: sonic gold or total chaos. No in-between. - X (formerly Twitter)
A digital cage match. Everyone’s shouting; no one’s listening. Rebranding didn’t fix the rot.
It’s where ideas go to get flattened into slogans and dunked on by bots.
Less a town square, more a verbal mosh pit with ego issues.
Side effects may include: rage scrolling, hot takes, rapid IQ decay. - Pinterest
Supposed to be inspiration. Mostly softcore and mason jars.
Feels like scrolling through a horny craft fair curated by someone avoiding their real problems.
Side effects may include: delusional home renovation plans, mild arousal, sudden urge to crochet. - Mastodon
Feels like yelling into a college campus. Mostly polite, vaguely smug.
A liberal echo chamber where dissent is “problematic.”
Community-led, sure — but the community mostly wants you to sit down and read the code of conduct before breathing.
Side effects may include: forced civility, long posts with no substance, ideological monotony. - LinkedIn
A PowerPoint presentation pretending to be a person.
Corporate self-worship with a dash of motivational spam.
Everyone’s “humbled” and “excited” — but it’s all just networking dressed up as virtue.
Side effects may include: secondhand embarrassment, fake enthusiasm, unsolicited crypto pitches. - TikTok
The internet’s attention deficit disorder incarnate.
Creativity diluted into trends, then monetized into oblivion.
Somehow both mindless and addictive — like watching culture speedrun itself into absurdity.
Side effects may include: memory fragmentation, compulsive scrolling, dance fatigue.
